your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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