OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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