Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
