how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
