So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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