Banned from zoo.
Again?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
