well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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