I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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