see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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