Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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