swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
