If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
