bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
