My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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