i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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