Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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