Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
