We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
