Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
