I just saw a hot homeless man
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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