I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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