my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
