My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
