i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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