I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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