I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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