Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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