I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
