I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
