Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
