home. puking in laundry basket.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
