Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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