What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
