and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
