Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
