Duck Duck Cougar?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
