So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
