You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
