got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
