So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
