My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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