All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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