you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just want to make out with him forever
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
