Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
