Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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