dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
