On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
