so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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