The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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