I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
