i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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