dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
